Author        Psychotherapist        Speaker

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xiii

Introduction xvii

Chapter One: What it’s Going to Take 1

Limping or thriving * Missing crucial elements * Emotional blind-spots and

hijacks * A hero’s journey

Chapter Two: Attachment: The Foundation for Our

Quality of Life 4

Sense of trust and security * Managing emotions * Optimal arousal zone *

Non-verbal emotional communication * Attachment trauma * Dependency,

anxiety and survival * Harmony, rupture and repair * The amygdala and

threat * Implicit and explicit memory * Brain plasticity * Secure, avoidant,

anxious, fearful and earned secure attachment

Chapter Three: Personality in Day to Day Life 22

Emotions—the substances that animate the world * Implicit memory

flashbacks * Misperceptions * Stuck emotions and identity * Worry and

imagination * Island of reason and ocean of emotion * Extreme Stress

* Hyper and hypo-arousal * Fight-flight-freeze-submit * Dissociation *

Defenses * Psychological toxic waste sites * Avoidance and compulsions *

Caretakers and rescuers * Underground emotional pipeline * States of mind

* Contradictory and polarized states * Inner protective parts * Inner hurt

child parts * Egogram * Superiority and Paranoia * Behavioral symptoms

* Psychological Symptoms * Physical Symptoms * Dedication to reality at

all costs * Yin and yang

Chapter Four: Psychological Trauma, Healing and EMDR 51

The human condition * Common severe stressors * Minimizing wounds

* Digging up what’s not at rest * Big T and small t trauma * Trust in and

accommodation to parents’ perspective and expectations * Clues to deepest

emotional truths * The pain-body * Courage, intellect and heart *Top

down and bottom up * New default position *Discovering our birthright

and inherent software * Integration, the key to healing and thriving * Self-defeating

core beliefs * One foot in the past, one in the present * Sublime

free association * Nails in a coffin * The wicked witch melts * She must be

having an affair! * Self acceptance, compassion and love * Inner beauty

and spirit unscathed

Chapter Five: Self-Care and Self-Soothing 83

Portable, legal, inexpensive and no negative side effects * Stress relief * Finger

on own emotional pulse * Anxious and Avoidant—no self-soothing repertoire

* “No” or “Another time” * Back of Head scale * Grounding techniques *

Imaginary resources * Emotional thermometer * Guided imagery * Imaginal


Chapter Six: Physical Health 103

Rampant malfunctioning of our bodies * Stress higher risk than tobacco *

Stress and immune function dysregulation * Autoimmune, immune deficiency

and inflammatory diseases * Genes—the family’s Achilles heel * Bodies are

instruments that play discordant tunes * “Something is wrong with me!” *

Aftermath of psychological trauma * Mind-body-relationship anecdotes *

Trauma, dissociation and disease * Instinct to heal * Heart coherence

Chapter Seven: Intimate Relationships 124

A method to the madness * A recipe for disaster * Designated tormentors

* The price of democracy * Independent cats and love-starved dogs

* Psychological safety vanishes * Triangles * Gottman’s research * Smart

Marriages quotes * Chemistry * Repetition compulsions and reenactments

* The past infiltrates the present * Interlocking wounds and defenses * The

Chinese finger trap * Externalizing inner dilemmas *The lion and the lamb

* Flying by the seat of our pants * Emotional hijacks * Psychological postmortems

* EFT: Emotionally Focused Therapy * The four Rs * Touch—the natural tranquilizer

* Eyes, hearts and arms

Chapter Eight: Family Life 159

Emotional trance * Chopped liver * Process more than content * A perfect

storm * Absorbing parents’ emotions * “Keep an eye on your brother!”

*High and low maintenance * Connection and autonomy * Opposing value

systems and polar positions * Intergenerational drama * Heroes and Villains

* Emotional bank account * Mutual respect * Curiosity rather than judgment

* Intergenerational transmission of pain * Parents who thrive * Blatant

and latent

Chapter Nine: Mindfulness, the Higher Self and Being 193

Be here now * We can learn to surf * The next great frontier—inner space *

First we must be whole * The yoga of the West * The Serenity Prayer * The

more we are able to say “yes” * We arise together and are inseparable * We

don’t need 3-D glasses * A sense of timelessness * Set point for happiness

*Beginner’s mind * Talk Image Touch Feel * Mindfulness is like Scotchgard

*Sight Sound Touch * Walking meditation * Body scan * Breath awareness

*Wise Mind meditation * The Art of Mindful Living

Chapter Ten: Final Conclusions and Recommendations 228

Loving the view * “I know I can do better than that!” * A multi-prong approach

* Perfect your love * Access your internal pharmacy * Everyone around you

is grappling too * Children are like radios * Get thee to an EMDR therapist *

Don’t join in the futile game * Being proactive is wise * Know your audience

* The fifth R: repair * Be curious * The best gifts parents can give * Widening

our circle of compassion * Only two ways to live * Integrity and wholeness

* The most wonderful invention * We are in flow * The musical current that

brings the world to life

Bibliography 255

Appendix A: List of Websites 259

Appendix B: List of Defense Strategies 263

Appendix C: List of Self-Care and Self-Soothing Resources 265

Appendix D: List of Questions for Reflection or Journaling 267

Index 271

About the Author 285

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